Her smile in every sunset...

Zach and I spent some time discussing our options regarding the move to California. Should we keep the original timeline, or move it back? What, if any, changes to our plans were the best thing for our family?

I sort of figure only time will tell, but we made the difficult decision to stick to our original plans. It meant rushing a bit through celebrating Hannah's life, finalizing things with her belongings, and getting the movers in to pack and ship our household goods. And boy, did it hurt leaving.

Part of me feels super guilty, like I rushed through getting far away from the place the holds all of my last memories of my daughter. From the last home I will ever live in that she will have spent any time with us.

But Connor was avoiding coming home whenever he could. At nine years old, his home should be a haven, not something to avoid. Taylor talks about Hannah as a ghost and where she sees her Nani in that house. (As in, sitting in the rocking chair on the porch or walking through the walls). And for me.... it stopped being home when Hannah stopped trying to breathe independently of the ventilator. Like a favorite, super comfy sweater that went through the washer and came out shrunken and scratchy, that house was not home and didn't fit anymore. And so onward.

Leaving Emma to finish her semester and make her own decision about whether to stay in North Carolina or to transfer elsewhere ripped at my heart. My first instinct is to keep my three living children as close to me as possible, but I know I can't do that. And so... onward.

Today, while driving (just me and Connor in my car) on a six hour leg of the move, I was a mess. It was a hard day emotionally. Everything reminded me of my girl. Tonight, leaving the hotel to find some dinner with Zach and the littles, the sunset was a mix of pinks and purples. I promised Hannah I would fine her smile in every sunset. I hope she knows I'm looking.

I have her camera with me. I need to learn how to use it, because pictures from her camera will eventually be what I use for images here on the blog. I will take her with me everywhere, in any small way I can.

This adventure won't be easy, because it is beginning at the hardest time of our lives. But we will put maximum effort into making the best of it, and I hope we all find a way to create peace for ourselves and each other along the way.