Milestones and Memories

A lot has happened since my last post. Thanksgiving was spent with some wonderful friends. Black Friday is, as is our typical custom, the day we decorate for Christmas. I broke down for a bit when I pulled Hannah's stocking out. Another small first without her, and it hit pretty hard. I finished the fall semester and turned in some really amazing photos, if I do say so myself.

We passed Hannah's 23rd birthday, which hit super hard. I spent hours in tears that day. And I did something that really had a profound affect on my mental state. I wrote a letter to one of Hannah's organ recipients. I had received a request to exchange contact info with this person a few weeks prior, and I had finally received their information in the mail. I stood in the Christmas card aisle at Walmart and had a panic attack because what card do you buy to say Merry Christmas to someone who you've never met or spoken to, but who is immensely important to you because inside their body they carry a living piece of your dead child? It took me a while, but I finally chose one. I brought it home, wrote a letter, and sent it in the mail before I could change my mind. Then I planted 23 trees in Oregon for Hannah, and spent most of the rest of the day wrapping Christmas gifts for the littles. We had cheeseburgers and cheesecake to celebrate her birthday dinner, and it hurt something awful, but we got through it.

The Saturday before Christmas, we made cookies with our friends. The kids had a blast making messy cookies, and eating them in the process. This was a week after we took them up to a beautiful Christmas market and lights display in San Jose.

Christmas day the littles had a blast. We went through the whole presents in the morning, putting together all of the things, and then having dinner and dessert. It was Christmas without my two older girls here, and that was hard. I miss Emma and Hannah both in different ways, and I had, at this point last year, thought they would both be here in California with us to celebrate the holidays. I had a difficult time making magic for everyone this year when I felt none of it. But I survived, everyone had a great Christmas (as much as I was able to make it so), and then came the travels.

I made a solo trip to Florida for the purposes of hunting shark teeth and spending some time on my own, not being beholden to or responsible for anyone other than myself. I loved every minute of it. I spent time every day I was there on the beach, listening to the waves and finding teeth. And I spent a day on a guided canoe tour up the Peace River to dig on the riverbed for more teeth. All in all, I came home with 658 teeth I didn't have before.

I did get tired of my own company a little earlier than I expected, so I changed my flight from the second to the first, upgraded to first class (and now I am absolutely ruined for anything else), flew home, spent the night in my own bed, then the next morning drove to Lake Tahoe. Zach and the littles spent the week at Lake Tahoe skiing with Zach's dad. I'm not a person who skis, but I went up for the last couple of days and spent them running around taking pictures with both the digital camera and the film camera. And I had a blast doing it. We got home today, and settled back in, and tomorrow we will pack away the Christmas decorations and prepare to get back to work and school.

What an insane month it's been. I've hit several big and small milestones since we lost Hannah, and I've somehow survived the heartache of all of them. I lived through the milestone of Christmas without Emma, as well. And I made a ton of memories, both good and bittersweet. Oh, and on the flight home, I got to spend about two hours watching the most amazing sunset as we flew west, chasing the horizon. I heard her laugh, I saw her smile, and in almost a year, I still haven't seen her temper. I'm grateful 2024 is over, and I'm reaching for peace in 2025. Happy New Year!