The next era of the same life

I turned 40 today. It is my first adult birthday without Hannah. No midnight text, no call, no hugs, no jokes. The first half of my day was rough.

But then I treated myself to twenty minutes of self-care while Taylor was in the bath. One of my closest friends called, one of my newest friends was sweet enough to stop by with a small gift and some much-needed laughs, I got to talk with my younger sister for over an hour. Zach made one of my favorite dinners, followed by a key lime cake, and a beautiful pair of earrings. And we booked our campsite for Memorial Day Weekend.

Tomorrow is our fifteenth anniversary. This week is also finals week for Emma, then she will be here Saturday night. And then we have Mother's Day. It really is a week of bittersweet milestones.

I'm not okay. Not really. But I am trying. We have so many adventures ahead of us, and I'm working so hard to provide stability and normalcy for my family during a time when there is so much upheaval and change in the immediate past and staring at us from the near future. This is hard. It is the single most painful, most difficult lesson I've ever learned. Somehow, I will find a way to keep piecing myself together.

Here's to my forties. They won't be everything they should have been, or could have been. But I will make the best of them that I am able.