When all things are new again

Spring has sprung on the California central coast. Truth be told, it isn't much different from what I've seen of the winter thus far, weather-wise. But there are new things in our life here that we count as blessings.

We've started making some new friends here. Some we met in January and others we've met since Zach went back to work. We hosted several of them on Sunday for Easter, and that truly was a blessing. It was our first major holiday without Hannah, and our first away from Emma, and it had all the potential to be an extremely painful day. But cooking, baking, hosting, and spending several hours in conversation with some very interesting people took most of the sting out of the small reminders of loss and absence.

Saturday we spent a short time hiking a trail at the northern tip of Big Sur. (If you've seen news of the landslide there that took out a chunk of the coastal highway, we weren't there when it happened and we are safe.) It was a beautiful hike, and we got some great pictures.

Zach has been really busy putting in maximum effort with his Japanese language studies. That means he has maybe an hour or so with us in the evenings and we dedicate Saturdays to family time and exploring the area. So the adventures are a little slow right now, but we make them where we can.

I struggle a little every day. It isn't easy, trying to feel like this place, this house, is a home when I'm all too aware that my life is now and will always be lacking one of my children.

But I also heal a little every day. Some more than others, and some not much at all. Because it's more than the loss of Hannah, which was more than enough in itself. Emma is on the other side of the country. I left a job I truly enjoyed, and a team that had made me feel so at home. I miss my colleagues and my student. I loved my house in North Carolina, and we are selling it. The online posts make me sad, too, because we had it painted inside before we listed, and the colors that gave it so much personality are now a soft white. Connor is homesick for his friends and the familiar life we had on the east coast. As a result, the challenges to the healing process are compounded for all of us. But we are getting there.

My senior students will be graduating in less than two months. I wish I could be there to support them, but I will watch the livestream.

On another note, those of you that know me well know I'm a book need. I've joined two separate book clubs, and I'm very much looking forward to our first meetings later this month. I've also developed a fascination with tiny hardcover books. I have nearly 20 of them now, sitting on a set of five interlocking square shelves that hang on my wall. So I have new things to enjoy and look forward to. And to make it all better, Emma is coming to visit for the summer. I can't wait.

Yes, it is spring, the time of renewal and hope for the coming seasons. So here's to spring, to positive changes.